The Great Yaoi Scare's Perilous Jaws of Death
by Wraith1
Summary: A character finds himself crossed over to Trigun--the Yaoi version! A story for both yaoi-lovers and yaoi-haters alike! I'll get to everyone's favorite pairs in the next couple chapters...
1. Chapter 1:Huh?

My only Yaoi fic ever--What about the ladies? By Wraith.  
"Sorry, but I don't enjoy sleeping with men."  
-Vash the Stampede  
  
(A small bunny walks out wearing yellow sunglasses. He addresses the audience in a voice too deep to truly emanate from that rabbit.)  
  
Greetings, faithful readers. I'm Wraith, the announcer and plot re-hasher. I am also Wraith, the writer's pen name and narrarator of the fanfic, and Joey Fanning, the true name of the writer. In order to avoid any possible space/time conflicts and to alleviate any confusion as to whether the Wraith you are reading from is the character, the narrarator, or myself, I'm using the only convenient body around--that of a small rabbit. That said, let's begin with the exposition of this fanfic.  
Yaoi, or its softer form shonen-ai (literally, "young boy love"), stories in which young male characters are involved in physical or even sexual love, is an aspect of anime and manga that many female otaku find completely enthralling. Possible reasons for this range from the most popular--that they can't stand the idea of their favorite character being taken by any girl, all the way to repressed sexual urges and desires. As opposed to Yuri, which is the female version of Yaoi, whose nearly sole excuse is perversion on the part of males.  
  
(The rabbit pushes the sunglasses up its nose)  
  
Furthermore, certain series of anime are made specifically for the yaoi/shonen-ai audience, such as "Fake" or "Gravitation", whereas others are "fangirl-catered shonen-ai" series in which the boyishly handsome male characters are paired up with females so horrid that the fangirls have no choice but to substitute a male for the character of choice's pairing. The biggest example of this would be "Mobile Suit Gundam Wing," where the main characters are paired up with a woman with mild Torretts Syndrome, A quadro-brow, and his sister, among others. Shows like these are an easy-pickings target for yaoi fanfics, but some of the more heterosexual-oriented characters are still singled out for homosexuality.  
Fangirls continually push the envelope on male-to-male innuendo, especially the fanfic writers, by pairing up characters with other males even though they hate them, or they already have a girlfriend, or some reasonable facsimile. Today's study in yaoi appreciation focuses on an often-unexplored region--the new yaoi-mates' would-be girlfriends. Our series for this study will be the currently-popular series "Trigun".  
Thank you for your time and appreciation.  
(The rabbit hops away)  
  
Our story begins on the planet Gunsmoke, future home of the human race. Disease, poverty, and warfare destroyed our planet, and we were forced to spread the seeds of our culture and existence to other planets. Without their precious technology, the human race has been reduced to near-animal state. Now they struggle to survive on a harsh desert planet, living like the folks of the old wild west back on earth. Ironically, there is one man who remembers another time that earth was like this--by now he is hundreds of years old, but he still appears the same as the day he altered fate for what he belived to be the better. The only human with knowledge of lost technology, he wanders the wastes trying to salvage what is left of civilization, and searches for his beloved companion, who was lost in this new world. The man wears a white coat and has a scar underneath his left eye. Hey may not look it, but he belives himself to be at fault for the human race's condition. His name is Brian Lance, and he is a machinist.  
(The bunny hops back onscreen)  
Wraith-chan:Attention. This next segment contains graphic crossover content, from the roleplaying game Deadlands to the anime Trigun. We shall attempt to rectify this confusing situation now.  
(The bunny hops over to the left of a chalkboard with a pair of timelines and many pictures.)  
Wraith-chan:Let's begin today's lesson in crossovers. Oftentimes, fanfic writers will attempt to create a "crossover" story", in which the worlds of two different or often conflicting stories are combined into one. Without using proper crossover procedures, the result can often be disasterous. The reason for this is the timeline theory of crossovers.   
(The rabbit picks up a piece of chalk and draws three parallel horizontal lines on the chalkboard.)  
Wraith-chan:When crossing over two stories, you have three timelines, or "parallel dimensions" to consider. The least important to the story, but usually the easiest for coherence, is the middle line here, the real-world timeline. This timeline begins at the beginning of time and stops at the current day.(He extends the line to the far left edge of the chalkboard, and draws a huge dot at the right end, marking it "today".)  
Wraith-chan:The first line here, the "baseline story" is the setting in which the new characters are inserted. in the case of Trigun, our baseline story, the timeline is a possible future, with a beginning point of as far back as the writer feels like writing, and therefure can be shown as a branch-off from our normal endpoint of "today". (The bunny erases the part of the first timeline and draws a swerving line from "Today" on the second timeline to the new beginning of the first.)  
Wraith-chan:Moreso, although I'm told that there is a specific year in which the events of Trigun take place, I have no idea of the time elapsed between today and the destruction of the planet earth, so we put a "jolt" in the timeline.(he erases a chunk of the timeline and puts in two vertical parallell lines.)  
Wraith-chan:There. Now we have a complete timeline to blend with our next timeline, the roleplaying game Deadlands. Deadlands is an "alternate-earth" timeline, in which the events of the past, present, and future are altered from a specific point. In specific, this timeline is exactly the same as the normal earth timeline until the year 186X, during the batte of Gettysburg in the American civil war. The resulting timeline stretches out until nearly the year 2100.(he erases the first part of the timeline and branches it out from the middle one from a point he labels "gettysburg". He draws the timeline out until it goes slightly past the "today" mark.)  
  
(the board looks like this now...)  
Gettysburg today _______*Fanfics  
----------*\ ------------------------------*---| ? |-/ ^Trigun  
^Normal \_______________________*Games Played  
^Deadlands  
  
Wraith-chan:Now, this gives us a remarkably easy way to combine the timelines, as all we must do is eliminate the earth timeline and reconnect the trigun and deadlands timeline.  
He erases part of the board and adds some more writing.  
Gettysburg The Kludge _______*Fanfics  
----------*\ *****/ ^Trigun  
^Normal \_______________________/*Games Played  
^Deadlands  
Wraith-Chan:This gives us a gap between the series called "the kludge". This is the crossover explanation that many fanfic writers choose to skip, perhaps wisely, but they leave the readers wondering why the hell these two timelines might be possibly related. Or, even worse, they use a dimension-skip excuse which not only shifts one timeline dramatically to one side, but keeps them disconnected. Still, we must find a way to get our hero, Brian Lance, from point A, near the end of the Deadlands timeline, to the Trigun series.  
(First, the bunny draws a curving arrow over from the end of the timeline to the end of the trigun timeline)  
Wraith-chan:The first possible method is the time-travel method. In Deadlands, the spirit world plays a major role in things and can even send someone through vast amounts of time and space. This makes for an easy excuse to send someone to the proper time and place. But it's also too convienent for Wraith-sama, the writer.(behind the rabbit, tsuzuki-chan is adding a small line parallel to the trigun fanfic line labeled "trigun yaoi".)  
Wraith-chan:so, we don't want that. We want the method that brings the character through the timeline to actually be involved in the kludge. Brian here doesn't age, so that's easy enough.(He erases the curvy line and strengthens the lines in between the end of the deadlands story and the beginning of the "trigun yaoi" line)  
Wraith-chan:um...where did that come from? Oh, damn....Well, please enjoy this fanfic by Wraith-sama, audience!(he quickly hops away)  
  
Hundreds of years ago, Brian lived on Earth. When he was five, back when he knew his age, Judgement day arrived. The world was ended, and the four horsemen of the apocalypse took form and ravaged the planet, leaving a post-nuclear, barren western united states to fend for itself. He pledged his life towards improving everyone else's, and the background spiritual radiation eventually extended his lifespan to give him unlimited time to achieve that goal. The Reckoners, the true name of the four horsemen, were eventually banished from reality, and Brian continued his work, his crowning achievement being a machine that funneled power directly from the spirit world to interact with cloned humans.  
  
Then the angels came.  
  
Or rather, they were discovered. The "Angels" were humanoid aliens that had a natural link with the vast power of the spirit world, or "hunting grounds", as Brian calls it. When they were cloned into the machines, they became the "geo plants" that gave massive amounts of power. The new nations of the world began fighting over this new power source and eventually started the war that finished off the already-sick planet for good. The only hope for humanity were the project SEEDS ships. Brian went with them.  
  
The new planet was a barren wasteland, but the few geo plants brought with them would slowly change that. Until then, though, the vast deserts of the planet Gunsmoke were like a second home to Brian.  
  
Now he understood that leaving the woman he loved was wrong, and he also knew that she had followed him here, and he was going to find her. He was going to apologize for what he had done, and he was going to be happy once again. Until then, thouh, he must search. His search is going to lead him to another branch in the timeline, caused inadvertently by our announcer Wraith-chan, a branch that could end humanity within a single generation.  
  
Brian rode into town without fanfare, and shut off his bike. There was a bit of a commotion, like something special had just happened. Looking around, Brian saw the probable cause. A section of the cliff overlooking the town had fallen off and caused massive property damage.  
  
Brian:Hmm...That wasn't done by erosion. Looks like a grenade..I guess It's worth it to find out.  
  
Brian rides through the dusty streets until he comes to the local office of the law. When he knocks on the door, it swings open and a man looks Brian in the face.  
  
Man:Are you the investigator we hired?  
Brian:Err...no, but I have some investigative skills...  
Man:Alright, I'll let you in, but I've gotta frisk you first.  
Brian:W...what? Err...I'm carrying a gun..  
Man:Oh, goody, that's what I was hoping...  
Brian:Um...what happened here?  
Man:Beats me. Oh, I should be so lucky.  
Brian:Are...you okay?  
Man:Of course..are you?(The man puts his hand on Brian's chest.) My, what big muscles you have!  
Brian:O_O! That's just my armor! Get your hand off me!  
Man:What's wrong? Do you feel hot in that coat?  
Brian:AAAAGGGHHH!!!(Brian runs out of the office and quickly hops on his bike, then accellerates away as fast as his bike will move)  
Brian:That...was fucked up. I'll...just..go right to the jail.  
  
Brian Finds the jail without incident. Once again, the door swings open. It appears that there is no guard, and a single cell with a population of two. One is a huge man in red with a green mohawk, the other is a lanky blonde man in a yellow coat.   
Loose Ruth:So...green IS your natural hair color!  
Descartes:If you'd take the time to look, not just bend over every night and wait for it, you'd have known earlier!  
Loose Ruth:Look, I said I'm sorry!  
Brian:Err...Would either of you happened to have caused that property damage?  
Descartes:Crap! Someone's here!  
Ruth:Well, pull them back up! Quick!  
Descartes:I'm trying....there.  
(Descartes stands up and turns to face Brian. He's huge, but not particularly threatening, given that his legs are tiny.)  
Descartes:What do you want, pipsqueak?  
Brian:I was asking about the chunk of cliff that blew up. Am I interrupting something?  
Ruth:Of course you are! Now apologize to him!  
Descartes:Did I say you could talk, bitch?  
Ruth:Sorry, master!  
  
(We now interrupt this horrible, horrible fic with a quote. "They did say he was the worst kind of womanizer!" We now return you to this piece of filth. By now, Brian has left this scene.)  
  
Brian:I am going to be sick. (He looks up to see a bar which seems to have been recently re-built, especially the top half, which seems to rest on a different bottom. There is a bullet-dented thick steel sign that says "saloon" sticking sideways out of the ground, and a sign on the facade of the building reading "Big Jimmy's Rainbow Club".)  
  
Brian:No way. I can see where this is going. I'm leaving this town to find one more...normal.  
  
Brian quickly heads off to find another town. And while we're waiting, Wraith-chan is here to give you another random overanalyzation.  
  
(The bunny once again hops out onstage.)  
Wraith-chan: That certainly was tasteless and horrifying, wasn't it? Well, amazingly enough, there are some girls who even now are shouting, "Screw the bunny! I wanna see some Knives/Legato action!" or something similar. Now, the question is, what reasoning does Wraith-sama, a heterosexual male, have behind writing this kind of smut? Well, to find the answer to that, we have to look deep into his psyche.  
(The rabbit pulls out an immense number of charts and graphs.)  
Wraith-chan: Here, we can see the different forces in Wraith-sama's mind as they vie for control over this fanfic. (Points to a pie graph.) Here are his repressed primal urges, overshadowed by his fear of rejection. In addition, we can see that he is trying desperately to reach out to his audience with many different messages. The first, demonstrated by the cuteness embodied by myself, is his wish for companionship, or the "Needs Girlfriend" segment of his train of thought. Next, we see that poor Brian is surrounded by yaoi. This is a perfect representation of the "get me away from these yaoi freaks" part of his brain. But, looming over that is the largest part, which my analyzations demonstrate, the "It's a goddamn joke, people, get over it" piece of the puzzle. I hope this session has broadened your horizons. Thank you again. Please join us for the next chapter in this inane fanfic.  
(The bunny hops off) 


	2. Chapter 2:Actual Guns

Chapter 2--Everyone's favorite couples...  
  
(As usual, the chapter begins with a monologue from Wraith-chan. This time he is armed with a myriad of photographs.)  
Wraith-chan:Oh, someone actually decided to read chapter two. Well, then, on the remote possibility that said reader is not a rabid yaoi fan, allow me to further explain the strange world of yaoi to an outsider such as yourself.  
Wraith-chan:Where to begin...Aah! The pairing procedure for male characters. While this may seem completely random to any observant male, there are qualifications for the possibility of yaoi coupledom. These may include, but are not limited to:  
1:The characters are friends.  
2:The characters are enemies.  
3:The characters have complimentary hair colors.  
4:Female readers like both characters.  
Wraith-chan:So, as we can see, there is a distinct pattern of dischord throughout every choice in a yaoi coupling. But, by and large, the most important of these is the dominator/subservient relationship.  
Wraith-chan:You see, the girls that are addicted to this material need a sense of definition of roles in a yaoi relationship. One must be domineering, strong and powerful, while the other must be willing to cater to every whim. This is likely one of the reasons yaoi is so popular among otaku females: By completing both halves of the emotional puzzle, the females feel at ease with their yaoi couples. The second, more commonly accepted explanation is a chemical imbalance in the brain caused by the lack of a Y chromosome. Sadly, this affliction has taken hold of over half the world's population. There is, unfortunately, no cure in sight, so all we can do is pray.  
Thank you.  
(The bunny quickly hops off)  
  
Brian pulled his goggles over his eyes and toggled one of many tiny switches on the side. A holographic image filled the goggles, one of the woman he's searching for. Long, blue hair. Though it's common now, back when she built herself it was pretty rare. Brian stared at the image thoughtfully, then turned it off and slipped his goggles back to his forehead, where they usually rested. He tried to think of where she might be. She had to be somewhere on the planet, but where? The mental link he had with her was strong, but now it was faded. She was somewhere far away, or somehow terribly distracted. Could her thoughts be consumed with her own search for Brian?  
  
For a desert planet, the air felt strangely humid. There must've been a lot of water in the area, but Brian didn't remember a geo plant being anywhere near. Still, it felt good, and it's the closest thing to a shower you can get while wandering. He decided to spring for the real deal when he found the next town. As moist as the air was, it couldn't be far. Looking over the next hill, Brian saw something that he couldn't belive.  
  
A small town located in a basin had flooded. Brian could remember when this was commonplace, but here it seemed simply strange. Most small towns simply didn't have this much water, so either some had sprung up, or someone was hoarding it for something. Doubting the first option, he approached the rim of the bowl, which was surrounded by civillians. Many had recently arrived by bus; still others were arriving slowly to discover their town's fate. One woman, with blonde hair and a red jumpsuit, was wearing a star-shaped badge and appeared to have a captive. She seemed as good a bet as any.  
  
(Brian parks his bike and walks up to the woman)  
Brian:Excuse me, maam, but what's happened here?  
Woman:Oh, you don't look like any of the citizens. Who are you?  
Brian:Brian Lance. I'm a wanderer. You?  
Woman:Marianne Aura Cazyen. I'm a federal marshal.  
Brian:Alright, miss Cazyen. And the prisoner?  
Marianne:Cliff Schezar, a water hoarder.  
Cliff:That water rightfully belongs to me, and all the men of the world!  
(Marianne kicks him, and he silences)  
Marianne:A man saved us from Mr. Schezar's tyranny, but the water tanks burst.  
Brian:That's bad..  
Marianne:No, it's fine. The water will eventually return underground, and we will all prosper again.  
Brian:Err..that's not exactly how it works.  
Marianne:What do you mean?  
Brian:The water's gonna evaporate. With that kind of surface area, that's obvious. And what does seep back into the ground won't be worth drinking for years.  
Marianne:Oh. Shit.  
Brian:Not only that, you're gonna have rain.  
Marianne:What's that?  
Brian:Something that will freak out the townspeople. Water falls from the sky.  
Marianne:Does that have anything to do with those white things in the air?  
Brian:Yes. That's where the water falls from.  
Marianne:Regardless, I guess now something has to be done!  
Brian:Don't worry, I've got it under control.  
(Brian walks away and stops by the edge, looking into the water. He shivers. Water has never been kind to him.)  
Brian:What we need is to find the tanks, patch them up, and get the water back in.(He looks around) I guess "we" is "me".  
(He digs through his coat, and pulls out a mouth-and-nose-covering mask. He looks back at the water, and prepares himself to jump in just as Marianne comes up behind him to stop him)  
Marianne:Are you insane? What are you doing?  
Brian:It's quite obvious, I'm going in.  
Marianne:Wait, isn't that dangerous? I mean, you can't breathe when you drink water, and you go under it when you step in it. Won't that be like choking or something?  
Brian:Don't worry. I'll be fine.  
(Brian puts the mask on and jumps off the side. Instead of having to dive, he simply sinks to the bottom. After exploring around for a while, he finds a hole in the ground, a few feet across, leading to the underground tanks. After examining them for a minute, he has a realization)  
Brian:Wait a minute!  
(The mask flutters off his mouth and he sucks in a pint of water. He desperately grabs for the mask, but it begins to float up to the top. Feeling himself run out of air, he pounds on the side of his coat. An air bubble forms, and Brian gasps in the oxygen before it rushes to the surface. He grabs his breathmask and resumes his observations)  
Brian:These tanks are all underground. How the hell did there manage to be enough water to flood the complex, re-flood the tanks, and then flood the town? I guess some of my special talents are nessecary...  
(Back above, Marianne looks with concern at the spot where Brian jumped in)  
Marianne:Oh, dear, I hope he's okay.  
(Other townspeople begin to clamor excitedly)  
Woman:Hey, the water's draining quickly now!  
(Looking at the moistened sides of the wall, it's true! The water is quickly draining out of the town, and in the base stands a soaked man in a white trenchcoat. He waves at the people around the edge)  
Marianne:He...he did it!  
(The people cheer)  
(Meanwhile, brian is standing in the middle of the town, smiling as he waves. No one sees his smile quickly melt from his face as he detects the aura of death around him. More specifically, in one building--a restaurant. He dashes inside to see a man sitting on a stool, helping himself to the soaked food)  
Brian:Alright. First, that's disgusting.  
Man:What? It's still food!  
Brian:Yes, but..you could like dry it or something. Second, who are you, why do you have some bad juju, and how did you get down here so fast?  
Man:You're Brian Lance.  
Brian:Did I ask who I was? No, I asked who you were.  
Man:My name...is Legato.  
Brian:And you're here because...  
Legato:I'm following a man.  
Brian:Who?  
Legato:Why, the man who caused all the destruction here. Vash the Stampede.  
Brian:The man with the gigantic bounty? He wasn't even reported in the area.  
Legato:Hmmph. I have my sources.  
Brian:Well, if you're trailing him, why are you stopping here?  
Legato:The master could use your help.  
Brian:What, tracking down Vash the Stampede? I don't bounty hunt.  
Legato:But my master has some information you might find useful...a missing girl?  
Brian:(his eyes widen)W..what? How could he know about her?  
Legato:Because he's the same thing as her.  
Brian:I see..so, why does he want this man captured?  
(Legato slightly grins as he takes a bite from his sandwich)  
Legato:He only wants...what's best for the world.  
Brian:Fine, then. I'll help you find him.  
(Legato pulls out a box of coin-halves)  
Legato:Um...damn, i'm out of coins.  
Brian:Err, I have some old coins, if you need one.  
(He flips legato an american quarter, which legato breaks in half. Legato puts one half in the box, and hods out the other one)  
Legato:Then I dub...wait, what weapon do you use?  
Brian:Um...A pair of heavy machine guns.  
Legato:You use real guns? Wow. No one else in the group uses an actual gun for their main attack. Fine then, I dub you, "Brian the Actual Guns". Now, if you'll excuse me, I have more business with the master to attend to.  
(Legato slowly walks off, after grabbing a soaked box of twinkies. Brian stands in amazement as the townspeople slowly begin to refill the town.)  
Brian:I...do not...get this. 


End file.
